Heartbroken.

          It's been almost a month since I posted about idk. And now, I am talking about another damn.

          You know what, I am so broken. Really broken. I always try my best to smile and laugh when I am with the people I am close with, friends. We are 7 billion and I keep one guy bothering me so much.

          I do not even know why, when or how did I like him or stuff. I feel so broken. I feel like breaking down. I am such a liar. I lied that I liked someone else. I am such a pretender. I pretended that I didn't and won't like him. I am an actress. I act like it doesn't bother me. I act like I am not hurt. Well, in fact it is the opposite. I am stupid. I am telling him "Don't give up on her" when I know that was the most stupid thing I had said to him; when I know those words would squeeze my heart into damn pieces. Ohmy. I'm such a fool. I assume he likes me, even if he doesn't. I trust too much and get hurt too much.

Do you feel me? No.

          I always wonder how on Earth am I surviving my life. It's my first time to feel this way. I tried to look best during our Christmas party just to make him notice me even just for seconds. I was disappointed when I knew that he exerted an effort during the party to be noticed by someone else. You know what? I tried my best. Excelled in class, participated in school activities. Became so jolly and noisy. I tried to be pretty and girly. But why can't you notice me? WHY?!

          During COP, someone told me you liked someone. I am such a pretender. I pretended that I wasn't hurt. I even asked that someone who's the "someone" and she told me. I was shocked. Really. So, I know her. Well, I think she is not bad enough. Though, I wished that girl was me. Impossible. If I am given a chance to hurt you, I wouldn't. I don't want to see someone hurt because of me. I'd rather see myself hurt because of someone.

          Dude, why? Why are you doing this to me? I thought you like me, but sadly, I was just assuming. I thought you admired me, but I was just dreaming. Why? Am I not good enough? Am I not? What's with her that you can't find in me? Is she that perfect? Am I not? Is she that pretty? Am I not? Is she that kind? Am I not?  Is she that smart? Am I not? Please don't be 'manhid.' Or if you are, please try to feel. Please try to consider my feelings.

          I changed a lot dude. I did if you only knew. But I guess, this Christmas vacation, I should and I must move on. I know you like her that bad. And I can't do anything about it. All I can do is accept it and move on. I also get tired. People do. I can't wait. I know if I will, I will be hurt not so soon. I hope that one day, I can say "I moved on, I am happy for you." But right now, I can't because seeing you still break my heart into pieces.